Have a cookie!

I just read an interesting blog entry from my dear friend, Anne Cuthbert. Anne is a counselor here in Portland specializing in eating disorders. She wrote a blog recently about how to help your kids avoid the risk factors for an eating disorder. Check out the article and send her a comment if you have any questions.

 I recognized many of this from my own childhood and some of you may notice the same thing. We don’t require anybody clean their plate at our house, but both my husband and I have trouble remembering for ourselves. Those habits get so deeply ingrained when we are little. 

Did you have to clean your plate?

Internet Safety: Tips for your computer savvy kid

It’s Summer time so that means more time outside in the sun
hopefully, but for many kids it also means more time in
front of the computer screen.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m a big fan of the internet and all
the very cool internet sites that allow us to keep in touch
with friends from all over the globe as well as research
history or the latest gadget. What did I ever do before I
could look up just about anything at all on Wikipedia?

For kids, there are many great sites for gaming, social
networking, and sharing video which are really fun and even
educational. The problem is that sometimes kids don’t
remember that this online world is not actually private and
is in fact more like sitting on a street corner–a busy
street corner at that.

This lack of understanding can create problems if kids (or
adults for that matter) don’t take steps to protect their
online privacy. The worst case being the recent suicide by a
teen who had been the victim of a cyber bully, and there are
always stories about others who are lured by pedofiles into
a “in real life” meeting. Obviously, these are extreme
cases, but they have a message for all of us.

Basic Internet Safety

One of the most important rules is:

***Keep the computer in a public place in the house***

Yep, the computer needs to be in the family room or kitchen,
not in a bedroom. This more than anything else will help to
remind kids that they are “in public.” Peek over their
shoulder once in a while and see what they are working on.
Ask them questions and let them explain about the sites they
are frequenting and the people who are there.

***Let them know that the computer will be monitored***

In our house, kids on the computer do not have privacy. I
check their history periodically to verify they are not
looking at sites that I find objectionable. If you are
checking history and notice that the history is gone or
there is a chunk missing, then that is cause to immediately
remove computer privileges. It takes a pretty savvy kid to
remove history, but it is not impossible.

Supervision as always is the key.

***Kids should never use real information in profiles***

Social networking sites like MySpace, Gaia Online, or even
Neopets allow kids from all over the world to communicate
with each other. Kids writing to each other–how cool is
that? Problem is that there are weirdos out there too, and
there’s no way to be sure who is really a kid.

One way to protect your child to make sure that in their
public profiles on these sites that they do not use their
real name, picture, school, or even town. No real life
demographic information should be available and should not
be given out to anyone who asks.

Anyone who pushes for information. “What school do you go
to?” “What city do you live in” Is obviously suspect and
should be immediately blocked and the site should be
notified. This may sound harsh as the other person could be
another kid, but I really believe that its better to be safe
than sorry.

My daughter and her friends (in real life) had been
befriended by someone on the Gaia Online website. They use
this site to send private messages to each other and to
write stories together (what they call RPing or Role
Playing) This person had started out fine joining in on
their stories, etc, but things started to get weird when he
sent my daughter some sexually explicit messages. She got so
upset that she accidentally printed it out, and I saw the
print out. You can guess what happened next.

***How to handle removing computer privileges***

Depending on how computer savvy you are this can be a bit
tricky.  The easiest thing to do is to change the passwords
on the computer as well as the sites that they use.  There
are kids who would be able to get around that however. If
that is the case, and you are not home to supervise, then
take the modem with you. This effectively removes their
ability to connect to the internet completely.

Kids should never have administrator rights to a computer so
that you can always have access to change their passwords,
and so that they cannot create new user accounts that you
are not monitoring. One kid I knew created an account just
so that he could look at porn without having his history
show up in his main user account. Unfortunately, for him he
was not aware of how hard it is to completely remove porn
site information, and I was able to help his mom to find all
the evidence she needed. She took the modem to work after
that. . .

***Talk to your kids about your values***

I feel like a broken record (scratched CD?) but this is so
important! Kids don’t just automatically absorb our beliefs.
We have to actually teach them, discuss them and, yes,
repeat them over and over.

Your kids should know your values by watching how you live,
but also talking about why you feel the way you do and also
what the limits are around those feelings is really
important also. So how do you feel about drugs? What about
smoking? What about porn? These are all important topics for
parents and kids to think about and learn about whether its
on the internet or off.

——————————–
Calm the Chaos Parent Coaching
——————————–

***Are you struggling with Chaos at Home?***

Summer is here.

For some families that means life will be simpler and
easier, but for others it means playing referee between
siblings, extra supervision to keep active bodies out of
trouble, and struggling with shifting sleep schedules. Or
maybe its the new school year that has you feeling stressed?

Now is a great time to really work on those issues that have
been keeping you from having the healthy and fun family life
you have been wanting.

http://www.counselingformoms.com/parentcoaching.htm

Then give me a call at 503-459-2073 and let’s get you
started today!

Want to recieve these messages in your email box? Sign up for the newletter here:

http://www.counselingformoms.com/signup.htm
—————————————-
Calm the Chaos Newsletter
This Newsletter is copyright (c)2007 Karen DeBolt,
all rights reserved.

You may freely reprint in any newsletter, web site, or
print journal. Please send me a copy and
include the following attribution:

“Calm the Chaos Newsletter article (c)2008
Karen DeBolt, MA. All Rights Reserved.
Reprinted with permission.
Helping families struggling with Chaos at home to
have happy, successful children.
Sign up for the newsletter at
http://www.counselingformoms.com and receive a
copy of the free report, ‘Conquering Bad Behavior
Without Stress.’”

I send out an extra email now and then detailing
programs and offers.

A Solution to Sibling Rivalry From Grandma

As many of you know my mother died last month. Her memorial
service was a couple of weeks ago. I think Mom would be
happy to know that we all pretty much enjoyed it. There were
family members I hadn’t seen in ages. I had extra time to
hang out with my brother and his wife. The ladies of
Hillsboro Presbyterian Church went all out with huge
quantities of homemade dishes.

Not to say wasn’t still sad and some parts were hard, but all
in all there were more good times than bad. I even learned
some things that I can pass on to you!

A Solution to Sibling Rivalry from Grandma

I’ve written before on how to deal with Sibling squabbles,
but I got an interesting idea from my Aunt Gladys last
weekend. My mom and Aunt Gladys were three years apart and
my mom has always been the first to say she was spoiled
because she was the only girl with four older brothers
for the first three years of her life. Both Mom and Gladys
say that they were best friends as well as sisters, but that
they also did a lot of fighting.

Apparently, Grandma Mollie got as tired of it as we all do!

Her solution was simple, but effective. She would sit each
girl in a chair facing the other away from other
distractions and tell them they had to sit there until their
differences were worked out. Aunt Gladys reports that the
giggles always over took the anger in time.

I love this idea. It is a subtle reminder to the children
that they can work out their own problems and also that
their relationship with each other is really important. I
plan to try this out on my own kids next time they get into
it.

I’d love to hear how it works with yours!

Calm the Chaos Parent Coaching

***Are you struggling with Chaos at Home?***

Summer is coming! My 13 year old tells me that there are
only 20 days left of school as of this writing. Yikes!

For some families that means life will be simpler and
easier, but for others it means playing referee between
siblings, extra supervision to keep active bodies out of
trouble, and struggling with shifting sleep schedules. Or
maybe its the new school year that has you feeling stressed?

Now is a great time to really work on those issues that have
been keeping you from having the healthy and fun family life
you have been wanting.

http://www.counselingformoms.com/parentcoaching.htm

Then give me a call at 503-459-2073 and let’s get you
started today!

Masel Westerfield: We will miss her

Masel Westerfield, age 69, passed away peacefully March 29th at her home in Hillsboro.

Masel was born in Thompsonville, Illinois the daughter of Earl and Molly Davis. She is survived by her husband of 43 years David Westerfield, a daughter Karen DeBolt, and grandchildren Talla, Molly, and Sam Moyers of Hillsboro, also a son, Dean Westerfield, of Long Beach, Ca., two brothers, Lloyd Davis of Union Grove, WI and Robert Davis of Pekin, IL and, a sister, Gladys Herzog, a retired pastor, of Jacksonville IL. She was preceded in death by her parents and two brothers Oliver J. Davis and Elever (Dutch) Davis.

In 1973, she was diagnosed with Leukemia. After several rounds of chemo therapy, she went to Seattle for a bone marrow transplant at the Washington University Medical Clinic that was later to be known as the Fred Hutchinson Cancer Research Center. This procedure, created by Nobel Prize winner E. Donnell Thomas, was experimental at the time, and despite many challenges she was an early survivor. This story was featured in a Lifestyle article in the Hillsboro Argus August 17, 2000.

Following complete remission of her Leukemia, she worked as a special education teacher’s aid for 15 years in Huntington Beach CA schools and later as a substitute in Hillsboro Schools. In her spare time, she taught English as a Second Language to adults for almost 20 years and served as director of that literacy program for several years.

Masel served as a deacon for six years at the First Presbyterian Church of Westminster. During her tenure, she founded and organized a program for housing the homeless which helped more than 100 people.

In 1996, she moved to Hillsboro, Oregon and joined the Hillsboro Presbyterian Church where she served as deacon for two years. She also taught Sunday school since she was 18 years old at various churches. Masel was also an active member of the Red Hat Society.

Masel’s life will be celebrated in a memorial service at the Hillsboro Presbyterian Church April 26 at 4:00 pm. Donations may be made to the Hillsboro Presbyterian Church Member’s Needs Fund.

Any comments left here will be deeply appreciated.

Stinky is in the nose of the beholder

Oh Daddy! Daddy! Look Daddy!

She was five years old or so and doing that joyful galloping dance that five year olds do when they are too excited to contain it. “The train Daddy!” She sang out.  I almost burst out laughing.  I had just been ruminating on how much I was dreading getting on the train.

Oh intellectually, I completely love the train too. Cars are off the roads. I can write blog entries instead of driving. I don’t have to stress about finding and paying for parking. The train is GREAT!  It’s really the people on the train who are the problem. . .

Unfortunately for me, I am super sensitive to fragrances.  I literally feel nauseous when I smell cologne, hair spray, or worst of all body powder.  There are people in this world who like to wear all three of these at once, then get on the train and sit next to ME! UGH!  I know most of you would find that more pleasant than some stinky guy who didn’t take a shower, but give me the stinky guy any day!

So until someone creates a nose plug that blocks scents while allowing breathe, I think I’ll just have to work on my attitude and try to borrow some of that enthusiasm from my little five year old friend.

An Open Letter to a Pregnant Friend

One of my best friend’s is pregnant with her first child. It is an exciting time for her and her husband. I thought about what advice I would like to give about those first months of parent hood. Here’s a few things that I came up with:

1.  You will be completely shocked by how much you will love this new little one. You think you understand love now—trust me—you don’t!

2.  You may have plans after the birth like returning to work right away or maybe being a stay at home mom that cans preserves and bakes fresh bread everyday.  Whatever plans you make, expect the unexpected.  You will need more time to recover than you know and that tiny little thing will take up more time and energy than you ever could imagine.

It’s okay!  Just be a mom for a while and let those other dreams come a bit later when you are actually getting enough sleep.

3.  All focus is on you the mom during your pregnancy. All focus will be on the baby when she’s born. Dad gets the short shrift. Make sure to give him time to bond with baby. If he’s working full time and you are taking on most of the childcare duties, then expect that he will need some time to learn all those things that have become second nature to you.  He hasn’t been able to get in as much practice as you have.

Check out a new book by Hogan Hilling called “The Modern Moms Guide to Dads”. Hilling has been giving New Father Workshops in Southern California Hospitals and has spoken to hundreds of dads. This is super valuable information for moms, but I’m thinking that dad will get a lot from it as well.
 (Hmmm, maybe I’ll get it for you both for a shower gift?)

4.  Don’t forget each other! Yes, prioritizing your marriage may seem obvious, but you will be some what overwhelmed (see #2) and it’s so easy to get focused on that little bundle (see #1) and forget to focus on each other. Go on a date alone together. A happy marriage makes for happier kids as well as happier parents.

Okay, I guess that’s enough unsolicited advice for now. When I come up with more, I will be sure to post it! 

Big hugs to you both!

Motivation is the key to behavior change

There is an old story that goes like this.  A boy is pulling
a big heavy chain down the road.  He comes upon an old man
who says, “Why are you pulling that chain?” The boy said,
Hey mister, have you ever tried to push one?”

My husband recently told this story at a parent support
group we run for CHADD (http://www.chadd.org). He was
explaining the importance of motivation in getting hard work
done. If someone is motivated by a larger goal then that is
like pulling a chain. Sure it’s difficult work, but it’s
doable as long as you keep your eyes on where you are going.

Working hard without a goal in mind is like pushing the
chain. It’s hard all right! Someone told you that you have
to move the chain perhaps, but without a goal in you are not
going to be very effective. In asking the question the old
man was wondering what that goal was.

Getting your child to change a challenging behavior can be
like that. If your child doesn’t understand why you want
them to change then it will be like pushing the chain—really
hard work!

Communicating with your child about why you want them to do
something and how it benefits them or the family or even the
community will create motivation within your child to
change. Sometimes just letting your child know how the
behavior affects you or other people can be enough.

For example, you talk to your child about the importance of
taking care of the local wildlife when you want him to stop
throwing his napkin on the ground. After all he probably
would not want to give a squirrel a tummy ache. (Give a hoot
don’t pollute!)

Other times you may need to create a reward to generate that
motivation. After all getting a good career may not be
highly motivating to a seven year old child trying to finish
up those addition problems for math class.  It’s okay to
find something that is motivating and tie the hard stuff
with the prize. After all most of us wouldn’t go to work if
we didn’t get a nice pay check right? (Okay, I probably
would!)“

However you do it, the motivation will make that hard work a bit easier to handle—like pulling that chain. Sure it’s
still hard work, but a lot easier than pushing!

What does your child need motivation to do? Post a comment and let me know!

A commercial free childhood?

What a concept! Recently I found Rae Pica’s Blog where she evangelizes about the need for children to play for proper development–a concept I agree with wholeheartedly.  Her latest entry is about an organization called The Campaign For a Commerical Free Childhood.  Apparently, they are an advocacy group fighting for the rights of children to not be constantly subjected to commericals whether it be television, popular websites like Webkinz, and even report cards (McDonald’s on report cards!!!) 

 God knows, I saw plenty of commercials when I was a kid.  My husband and I will wax nostalagic over the Oscar Meyer Wiener Song or the Oreo Jingle, but that was nothing compared to the number of commercials kids have to deal with today.  The quantity seems to have multiplied over and over. Not only does it seem like there are more commercials in between tv programs, but there are ‘product placements’ within the programs themselves.  When you add in websites, programs at school sponsored by commercial interests, and who knows what they will think of next, it gets to be overwhelming.

So what is a parent to do?

My solution is to instill a healthy skepticism in my children.  When we watched tv together, I would question the ridiculous claims of the commericals with my kids. Pretty soon this became a habit, and they would do it without me starting it.

The added benefit is that they are asking questions about all kinds of things now rather than just taking it at face value.  I’m thinking its a good thing.  We have also had the cable tv removed from the house for the last six months, so that has drastically reduced the amount of commercials we are exposed to as well.

Do you feel that commercials are having a negative effect on your kids?

No Resolutions, just a burning bowl

Several years ago, my family and I created a family ritual to mark the beginning of a new year. It takes the idea of New Years Resolutions and expands it a bit as well as making it a lot more fun. Here’s what we do:

Items to collect:

2 candles - one dark colored like blue and one white
1 fire proof container - we use a ceramic bowl that one of my kids made, but you can also use an ashtray or anything along those lines.
2 pieces of paper for each person
1 envelope for each person

How to do it:

Light both of the candles to set the mood, then pass out the papers. You write on one piece of paper all the things you would like to let go of in the new year. These can be bad habits or qualities that you would like to change or even bad memories or feelings that you have. Then carefully place the paper in the flame of the dark candle and put it in the fireproof bowl. Watch the paper burn as you imagine releasing the items you wrote on the paper.

Then on the other paper, write what you would like to bring into your life in the next year. Write goals, plans, qualities, and feelings you would like to have. Then place the paper in the envelope with your name. Now gaze at the flame on the white candle and imagine what your life will be like when everything that you have written is yours.

Once everyone has completed the ritual we put the envelopes away in a safe place. We review what we wrote on previous years to see what progress we made or whether we changed our minds about what we actually wanted.

Sometimes we share what was written, but that is completely optional.  This should be a nurturing and loving family ritual not a time for teasing. Dreams can be very fragile sometimes.

I hope you will give this a try and let me know what you think about it!

Whew! Pan to burner

The holidays really took over around here. What with having two sets of company, hosting all the big meals, and last minute shopping, I’m pooped! 

Unfortunately, about the time that Christmas was over my mother went into the hospital.  Mom was definitely not doing well at Christmas. She has been frail for quite a while now and periodically goes in for blood transfusions. “I understand how vampires feel now!” she says.  After the transfusion, she would perk up for several months, but recently those several months have turned into several weeks instead. 

It had only been about a month since she had her last batch, and they gave her three units instead of the usual two. They also discovered that her potassium levels were off the charts and her kidneys were in big trouble too.

No wonder she didn’t feel well at Christmas! Yikes!

Mom has always said she doesn’t want to be one of those “old biddies who complains about their health all the time.” The problem with that is that we often don’t know what is going on until it’s really bad. Its’ not that she is trying to be a martyr at all. She just doesn’t want to “bother me.”

Oy! I’ve told her now to please bother me that I would rather know than not know, but old habits die hard.  She knew for months that her Leukemia had gone out of remission after 30 years (yep, you read that right–30 years!) before she finally told me about it.  I was 8 years old again for a few minutes.  Maybe that is what she hoped to avoid. My emotional reaction.

Such is life in my family. We are so busy “being nice” that sometimes we forget to have our feelings.  I’m working to change that dynamic everyday, but its always a struggle.  Say a little prayer for mom (or whatever you do) and spend some time thinking about your own family dynamics today. What do you wish you could change? I’d love to hear about it!